When she moved to San Diego in 2018 after living various places in the U.S. and abroad, Medferiash Gordon, who goes by Abigail, loved this city. Except for one thing.
The flakes.
“What I’ve noticed about San Diego, at least, is that people are very flakey. Like they’re very, you know,” she started. Then she paused, since she was venturing into touchy territory. “Like they’re very, you know, they can be very, um,” she tried again.
She gathered the courage and spat it out.
“So, yes, I will say people can be flakey. Like a lot of people will just be friendly. You go out somewhere, people will chat with you, people might exchange numbers with you, but when it comes down to texting or actually meeting up or connecting in a genuine way, you don’t hear from these people oftentimes.”
Sincerity can come at a price. Like risking insulting or angering strangers on the Internet who would soon read her statement in an article. But sincerity also has benefits.
Jarae David takes a photo of Abigail Gordon with a cake during a San Diego Coastal Mix and Meetup event at Balboa Park on Sunday. The two were hosts for the meetup which included food and games. The cake says Happy Holidays SDCMM for the group.
(K.C. Alfred/The San Diego Union-Tribune)
A few months ago, after about five years of frustrating false starts and dead ends, Gordon started a Meetup group with the hope of meeting like-minded people. People who aren’t flakes. But also, people who have common interests and all that. Basically, potential friends.
“We’re here to bring back the joy of real interactions, good conversations, and the potential for something more,” her group’s Meetup profile states.
She called it SD Coastal Mix and Mingle. The goal: facilitating connections “both social and potentially romantic.”
In September, she organized a picnic mixer in Balboa Park and around 20 people showed up. Now in its fourth month, the group has more than 450 members. Attendance wavers; the biggest attracted around 60.
About 15 people showed up to Sunday’s potluck looking to sow the seeds of friendship — and eat collard greens, smoked turkey, pumpkin pie and chocolate fudge cake. One was Garrett Nasworthy, 38, whose contributions included cranberry sauce and conversation. He grew up in San Diego, worked in Mexico City as a journalist, and when he moved back (and changed careers), he found that most of his friends had moved away.
“Finding friends in the 30s, 40s age group, I think it’s a little bit difficult, particularly if you’re not in a family setting — you don’t have kids,” he said. He’s come to a few of these meetups and now goes out to eat with people he clicked with. “The human connection is definitely there with several of those people,” he said.
Lester Lambert, 36, moved here from Virginia a few months ago for his job as a Navy physician. Work keeps him busy, so he turned to this group and others.
“As a transplant, I’m just trying to find nice people to hang out with. Cool people,” he said. So far his social life has been fine. “No complaints,” he said.
If there’s any awkwardness or weirdness about getting together with a bunch of adults and trying to strike up a conversation the way you might have in college — What dorm, er, neighborhood are you in? — the casual picnic setup made it easy to move around and chat. By the time everyone got there and the food was warmed, people had been playing UNO, bean bag toss and other games for more than an hour.
Gordon and her co-host, Jerae David, try to make it easy for people to keep in touch if they want to.
Or not. Participants can fill out connection cards if they want to follow up with anybody after hanging out at the event. If the cards express mutual interest, the hosts will make an introduction.
Events have been free so far. People bring games or food. Members should be in their 20s and 30s.
A few other rules put people on the same page. They include:
“No Expectations: Attendees are encouraged to engage in conversations, share stories, and enjoy each other’s company without the expectation of immediately exchanging contact details,” the group’s profile states.
“Respect Boundaries: We respect everyone’s comfort levels. Feel free to chat, connect.”
“Quality Over Quantity: Our focus is on quality connections. Take the time to get to know others and see if there’s a genuine connection before deciding to make the next move.”
Anther rule is so important it gets is own heading.
No flakes. If you are a no-show three times, you’re out. The language even covers a gray area: how far ahead do you cancel so it doesn’t count against you?
“Please note: Changing your RSVP the day of the event to ‘Not Going’ will be considered a no show,” it stipulates.
Gordon has lived in 10 cities and “always had to learn how to many new friends, no matter what.” Here is her advice for people looking to make friends: be up front about intentions.
“I would say it’s fine to talk with people, but don’t try to exchange numbers with people if you don’t actually mean that.”
Lambert, who played bean bag toss and was later tapped to carve the turkey, said he approaches socializing with patience and an open mind.
“As long as you’re open, things go well,” he said. He’s found one person through the group so far. Someone to hang out with. Maybe a friend in the making?
“Pretty cool,” Lambert said.
