In this time of rampant inflation, I’ve been pursuing a number of measures to counter those escalating prices.
The main source of my tireless efforts to combat the mounting toll on our financial health can be summed up in two words:
Costco chicken.
I’m talking about that golden brown rotisserie rapture.
The price?
$4.99.
That’s roughly one-third the cost of other chickens purchased at the local supermarket, only those still have to be cooked.
My wife argues, that although that Costco chicken is indeed a bargain, the savings are quickly consumed by my tendency to spend another $100 or more on items we don’t need.
“I’m talking about all the pastries you squander money on,” she moans. “Like cheesecake, apple pie, cookies, doughnuts, muffins and croissants.”
I argue that croissants are not actually a pastry, but she says I’m missing the point.
I have to confess, her concerns about my shopping habits have merit, so in order to save money and our marriage, I have totally revamped my strategy by prevailing upon my neighbor to pick up a chicken for us whenever she visits Costco.
Turns out, she was happy to comply as she shops there twice each week.
That means two delicious chickens a week, saving us the roughly $200 I’d be spending if I were buying those chickens myself, not to mention the gift of seven days of dinners for under $10.
I estimate we’re saving roughly the cost of our annual real estate tax indebtedness.
On occasion, I’ll also ask the same neighbor to pick up a jar of mayonnaise. This way we’re able to convert chicken alone into chicken salad, a clever approach providing variety to our sustenance.
And as a further bonus, mayonnaise, according to the Internet, can also be used to polish house plants, get gum out of your hair, provide a facial, soothe sunburn, loosen tight rings, remove crayon marks, and clean piano keys.
It’s also a good hair conditioner, moisturizer, sunburn remedy, and it can kill head lice.
But it’s the chicken that remains the major appeal.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting Costco chicken is on a par with other revolutionary breakthroughs such as the telephone, automobiles or space travel. Considering the boon Costco chicken has provided mankind, I estimate its significance falls somewhere between the wheel and penicillin.
My strategy not only saves us enough to pay our annual real estate taxes, but by sacrificing sweets for savings, I was able to shed 15 pounds.
I shared my plan with my cousin who’s an economics professor. He’s 40 pounds overweight and possesses an ample waistline.
He lectures about such principles as supply and demand, and Keynesian and Marxian theory. He’s considered an authority in the field, yet he was unaware of the chicken regimen.
So I taught it to him and based on my counsel, he acquired a personal shopper, he’s saving a fortune, Costco chicken has been added to the curriculum, and he bought new pants.
Erdos is a freelance humor columnist. Contact him at IrvErdos@aol.com.
